Take My Assault Weapons Away
in 1994 in the Philadelphia Welcomat.
Dear Mr. Congressman,
there is one law in America that must be repealed, a law so unjust that
it could not stand constitutional muster. It is the law that bans assault
weapons. It doesn't require that assault weapons be taken away from those
of us who currently own them, but we all know that this is just the first
step. I can see the day when paramilitary units roam the streets confiscating
all guns, and law-abiding citizens wont be able to protect themselves
from predatory, fully-armed criminals. Thats how the Nazis got started,
good friends, and I for one dont plan to succumb to any Nazi-like
regulations without putting up one helluva fight.
There were thousands
of homicides in America last year, and that makes military-style semi-automatic
assault weapons all the more necessary. Some of the banned assault weapons
on the list are capable of shooting up to 150 rounds without reloading,
and you want to take these glorious examples of destructive capability
away from me? Lets see one of you try. Please, my trigger finger
is feeling a little itchy.
have the misconception that assault weapons are good for nothing but killing
large numbers of humans quickly and efficiently. While this is certainly
a legitimate reason for owning assault weapons, it is not the only reason.
Semi-automatics are also very useful when dealing with troublesome household
you need to dig a hole. Maybe you have to bury something in the back yard.
You could do it the old-fashioned way with a pick and shovel, but thats
not any fun. I get my AR15 with collapsible stock and enlarged clip, envision
some evildoer coming through my front door to take what I got, and cut
loose with a burst of hot lead faster than you can say, Who goes
nothing like blasting a hole in the earth the size of a Firestone tire
in about fifteen seconds to perk you up when youre feeling down.
By the way, David Koresh had 120 AR15s in his compound when he held off
the FBI for six weeks. If this magnificent representation of advanced
civilization and technology was good enough for him, its good enough
for me too.
say you hit a rock in that graveer, I meanhole youre
digging. Why get yourself lathered up in a sweat for several hours digging
the sucker out? Dont be a pussy. Blast the mother to kingdom come
and tell me if you dont feel a lot better. In general, if something
is stuck, shoot the living hell out of it. A good ten or fifteen volleys
from a decent semi-automatic will loosen just about anythingman,
beast, or inanimate object.
Maybe you need
to move the couch through a doorway, and it just wont fit by about
a half-inch. So what do you do? You chumps would probably spend the next
hour removing the trim and then replacing it, but not me.
I take out my
Tec-9a sleek little beauty with a nasty attitudeand blow the
trim back to the stone age. Ill have my fat ass parked on the couch
gently caressing a Bud, my Tec-9, and my big beautiful gal within minutes.
Who needs trim anyway? Too damn fancy. I yearn for the days when you fired
first and repeatedly and asked as few questions as possible later.
me to one of the laws of nature. When you dont get your way, resort
to brute force. Thats where semi-automatic weapons come in. You
must understand this if youre to find any contentment.
By the way,
if you need to squeeze off a dozen rounds or more (and who doesnt
find themselves in that situation many times per day?), get yourself a
barrel shroud. It allows you to grasp a barrel during rapid fire without
burning your hands and improves your accuracy in the process. And silencers
are de rigueur if you use your assault weapon frequently in crowded urban
areas, as I do. A flash suppressor is another handy accessory. It allows
you to fire away at night without being seen. If youre in a nighttime
street battle, you dont need your weapon making an easy target out
weapons also come with finely-tuned breech mechanisms that enable you
to fire rapidly with very slight, repeated squeezes of the trigger. With
a little practice, youll be firing your semi-automatic nearly as
fast as you could a fully automatic weapon, like a machine gun. Wont
that be nice?
arent the only reason for owning assault weapons. They also help
you garner the respect of your fellow man, the importance of which cannot
be understated. Intimidation is an ugly word, but there are some members
of society who dont understand anything else.
See, you dont
actually have to shoot anyone with your assault weapon (unless the situation
calls for it). Just letting your fellow man know that you have the ability
to eliminate him or her in seconds changes the way people treat you. (This
is given short shrift by the press, as if it isnt one of the guiding
principles of the universe.) As Senator Joe Biden pointed out, You
pull out an Uzi in a grocery store, and no one gives you any crap.
Hell, yes, Joey-baby. Thats the kind of respect there isnt
enough of in this country.
a gang of rapists, pederasts, mutilators, motorcyclists, and homicidal
postal workers is coming at you with God-knows-what in mind. If you point
an AK-47 at themlike the one Patrick Purdy used to murder several
Stockton, California, school children in 1989theyll back off
right away. If they dont, you can easily take out most of them before
they get to you. The gang members left standing may make the few remaining
hours of your life a living hell, but at least youll have earned
another anecdote that may help illustrate this extremely obvious point.
Lets say a group of thugs is making a ruckus on a street corner
near your house at about 1 a.m. Theyre laughing, cursing, drinking,
and what-not while you and your slightly overweight baby are in the sack
trying to concentrate on what comes natural. But you cant do what
comes natural because of the racket. In a sense, your very manhood is
being challenged, and you must respond forcefully.
So you climb
out of bed and out of your babys soft, warm, fleshy arms, and you
gaze longingly up at your assault rifle rack. You wonder, which one is
right for the job? With a sly smile, you pull down the Street Sweeper,
a semi-automatic shotgun capable of firing twelve shells of pure hell
from a revolving gangster-esque cylinder.
So you walk
proudly out your front door in your boxers cradling the cold, heavy, lethal,
black stock, and politely ask the fellas on the corner to reconvene elsewhere.
You might put it like this: Move along, dickheads, unless you enjoy
the remark, let fly with a few rounds at the sky, hoot and holler like
a jackal, and watch those ruffians skedaddle like a bunch of wounded jackals.
Well, brother, youll march back into that bedroom a new man and
give your sweet, slightly overweight baby all the love she can handle
and has come to expect from a confident, well-respected man.
another story that Im willing to share with you. (I have to be careful.
The authorities might be reading this.) I was driving along a highway
a few weeks ago minding my own business when a car passed me in a manner
I deemed unsafe. So I drove up beside the car at a very high speed, beeped
and flashed my lights, waved my arms, and ranted and raved hysterically,
trying to scare the young, long-haired, male into driving safely. Unfortunately,
the suspect made an obscene gesture in my direction. Bad move.
violence is always my last option, but the silly hooligan had given me
no other choice. I had to make an example of him. I pulled out a 9mm Glock
from my armpit holster. This pip holds dozens of rounds of pure power
and self-image. The soft, graceful pistol grip brings hot tears to my
eyes and a warm tingling sensation to my lower torso. (Hey, never mind
where I get a warm tingling sensation. My warm tingling sensations are
my business! And whether my baby and I clean and oil assault weapons together
in bedwell, thats none of your damn business either.)
shouldve seen his face when he got saw the Glock. In that brief
instant, as he stared down the short but accurate barrel, I bet he was
real sorry for every transgression he had committed against the weak and
innocent in his pitiful life. He tried to get away (they always try),
but it was too late. I almost felt sorry for him.
to blast his tires with several slugs of righteous discipline. As he skidded
off the highway, I riddled the front and rear panels of his expensive
sports car with an exquisite line of bullet holes. He skidded into a guard
rail and was promptly rear-ended by several other cars. I saw an explosion
in my rearview mirror and sped off, leaving him behind to consider the
consequences of his poor behavior. No doubt I had taught him a valuable
lesson and made the streets safer, and I couldnt have done it without
the Glock. See what I mean?
it, its not safe to patrol the streets of a big city unless youre
armed to the teeth. The more firepower youve got festooned prominently
to your personammo clips, grenades, Uzis, bayonets, etc.the
less likely anyone will step out of line. The idea is to make it clear
that you could and would kill anyone at the slightest provocation.
In fact, with
the proper weaponry and a committed attitude, you could probably take
over your entire neighborhood. Everyone in the communitystore owners,
bookies, numbers runners, dealers, junkies, hookers, deranged Nam
vets, streetcorner evangelists, hucksters and hustlers of every stripewould
have to pay homage to you in whatever form you deemed suitable. Arm a
few trusted underlings, and you could probably gain control of the surrounding
neighborhoods as well. (A pack of well-trained, ruthless Dobermans might
help keep order as well.) But with power comes responsibility, which only
those with automatic weaponry are capable of handling.
this before and Ill say it again: if youve got the hardware,
you set the rules. You know it and I know it, folks. See you at the shooting
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