Chant and Be Happy
The Magick of Chant-O-Matics by Raymond Buckland
Wouldnt you like to obtain all the pleasures this big ol world has to offer just for the asking? Havent you paid your dues like all the other hard-working stiffs long enough? Dont you deserve every sexual pleasure known to man or beast? Of course you do, so invest $5.95 in The Magick of Chant-O-Matics by Raymond Buckland, renowned practitioner of the occult. This extraordinary book will introduce you to the rewards of chanting, an ancient yet amazingly easy, highly profitable, and richly satisfying hobby.
Right on the cover The Magick of Chant-O-Matics announces, Whatever you need, be it power, money, a loved one, good health or protection from evil forces, this book will help you get it.
Anything you desire can be yours anything, notes Buckland in the preface, not through hard, time-consuming, constant exercises but through simple, easy-to-do rituals that are a joy to perform.
The magick of Bucklands book is that he has taken the rituals of old, which he says were long and complicated, and streamlined them. This repackaging of the ancient secrets is perfectly suited for todays impatient, busy, highly-prioritized audience. What cold be better? Hes already done all the hard work.
Before you start, however, you must set up a Chant-O-Matic workshop. Youll need a room to yourself, free of interruptions and a piece of furniture to use as an altar. Cover you altar with a white cloth, instructs Herr Buckland, and in the center stand an incense-burner. On either side of the incense youll need a tall, white candle. Lay The Magick of Chant-O-Matics on the altar, and your workshop is complete.
The important thing is to feel comfortable, says Buckland, so you might want to add a kneeling cushion or a personal souvenir like a religious article, your Space Needle salt and pepper set, or that Liberty Bell shot glass. I always make sure my collection of Megadeath lps are nearby, so I can clutch them to my bosom during a particularly earnest chanting session.
Next, review the 300 chants in The Magick of Chant-O-Matics, and as Buckland writes, decide which it is to be, aim carefully, and pull the Chant-O-Matic trigger! Heres an easy chant to get you started. Its for a better job.
leave the old / I greet the new / I leave the fold / Of the stagnant crew.
Of course, you dont want just a better job. You want an easier job with more free time and a private office where you can chant for your supervisors painful death. Besides, a private office will get you away from that godawful stagnant crew.
The Magick of Chant-O-Matics has several chapters devoted exclusively to money as well. My favorite chapter is Magic Money Chants That Can Put You Knee-Deep in Thousand Dollar Bills. Awesome! Heres an example from that chapter:
I see the pile / Suddenly I hold the sum / Suddenly I end my trial / For
the money it has come!
(Chanting tip: I discovered that if I recited the above chant in the nude except for day-glo body paint while dancing and pounding out Queens We Will Rock You on a set of bongos, the interest on my savings account increased by several digits. Give it a try! What have you got to lose?)
Then check your bank account at a nearby ATM, and dont be surprised if your balance isnt $10 to $15 higher. If you dont get any action, try moaning this next chant to a teller at your bank:
need, need / Money, money, Money!
Repeat the chant two more times, louder and more insistent each time. (Anything you can do to heighten the sense of urgency or desperation will add to the overall effect of the chant.) Then, while pacing back and forth in front of your teller and letting your eyes roll backward, add this little chestnut:
the money to fill the need
Dont be surprised if the teller or bank manager rushes to you with U. S. Savings Bonds, Certificates of Deposit, or even hard currency. Theyll do almost anything to keep you from continuing your bank-busting chant.
The Magick of Chant-O-Matics also has chapters on health and protection, but my favorite chapter addresses sexual favors. Many of the sexually-oriented chants are in ancient languages, and rightfully so, for the power of the sexual appetite knows not the boundaries of time or language. Heres an extremely powerful one.
(repeat 4x) / Com mana, com mo (3x)
You wouldnt believe what happened to me after I uttered that chant the first time. I got this weird phone call, and then (Editors Note: Mr. Walshs next few paragraphs were deleted because of their graphic content.) my endurance spent, I slept well that night, and now Im careful to never repeat that humdinger except on special occasions.
Of course, there may come a time in your life when you want just the opposite effectto dispel anothers affections. Ive never experienced such a predicament, but just for the sake of argument lets say that you find yourself in this awkward situation. If so, try chanting the following:
rigo (repeat 5x)
Repeat this chant as many times as necessary in the presence of the unwanted suitor. Sweat, pace, and quiver if possible.
If this still does not work, claw at the air like a wild animal, and shout the following in his or her face:
divide, divide the two / Talinak melinak solinak voo
Your unwanted suitor is guaranteed to run away.
Now you probably always thought that goals such as financial well-being, a good job, and a fulfilling sex-life could only be gained through honesty, commitment, and hard work. But The Magick of Chant-O-Matics teaches us just the opposite. The message of The Magick of Chant-O-Matics is that you can get anything you want if you wish hard enough and you arent embarrassed to ask for it aloud.
So wise up, dummies and stop banging your head against a wall. Kick back on the Lazy-Boy, grab the remote control, a beer, some back issues of People magazine, and start chanting like a sonovabitch. What a life! What happiness! Attainment, your new mentor and savior guarantees, is automatic!
© Mike Malsh