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The
True Story of the Three Little Pigs
by Jon
Scieszka, illustrated by Lane Smith
Reviewed
by Mike Walsh
Published in the Philadelphia Welcomat in 1990
Some people think that
you cant tell kids the truth, that you have to give them cute little
fantasies until theyre old enough to know better. But that attitude
underestimates their intelligence. Kids know that stories about Santa
Claus, the Easter Bunny, the tooth fairy, and pro wrestling are shams,
but they play along with the charade. Why? To work us stupid adults for
all the gifts were worth. So this Christmas skip the fantasies and
give the cunning little schemers the cold, hard facts, and you can start
with The True Story of the Three Little Pigs,
by writer Jon Scieszka and illustrator Lane Smith.
You see, the story of
the three little pigs has always been based on testimony from the third
pig, the one with the brick house. And since his two brothers were killed
during the tragic events told in the story, his can hardly be considered
an objective perspective. (Didnt Orwell tell us all we needed to
know about the morals of those fat, stinky creatures?) To set the record
straight, Scieszka and Smith went to the source, the wolf, and they got
his story, the true story,
wolfs honor.
His name is Alexander
You can call me Al Wolf. Hes a refined, polite carnivore
in a cardigan, wire-frames, and bow tie, hardly the type to go around
terrorizing unsuspecting, home-owning pigs.
Before he gets started,
however, he bemoans the whole Big Bad Wolf thing. He points
out that his species has been burdened with the task of eating cute little
creatures like bunnies, sheep, and what not, which has unfairly besmirched
their reputation. If cheeseburgers were cute, explains Al,
folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too.
So one day Mr. Al Wolf,
who had a terrible head cold, was making a cake for his granny. He ran
out of sugar, so he trudged off to a neighbors house to borrow some.
This neighbor, a member of the swine family, had a house made of straw.
Real smart, huh? Well, Mr. Wolfs nose cold started acting up, and
he sneezed a great sneeze. The house came tumbling down, and
the resident died. An simple accident. They happen every day.
Like a good trooper,
Al tried to make the best of the situation. It seemed like a shame
to leave a perfectly good ham dinner lying there in the straw, he
explains. So I ate it up. A rational decision and hardly just
cause for being treated so viciously by adult storytellers all these years.
Anyway, Al still didnt
have his cup of sugar, so he went to the next neighbor, who also happened
to be a pig. This second pig might not have been as dumb as the first
(his house being made of wood), but he certainly was ruder to our ailing
friend. You can probably guess what happened next. Lets just say
that Mr. Wolf had a very powerful sneeze. While looking back on this second
tragedy, Al reminds us that food will spoil if you just leave it
out in the open. Damn straight, and the sooner kids learn that lesson,
the better.
The poor guy was getting
awfully full by the time he made it to the third pigs house, the
one made of brick. Believe it or not, this pig had plenty of sugar but
he wouldnt share any. To make matters worse, this nasty porker shouted,
And your old granny can sit on a pin! Mr. Wolf understandably
took exception to these comments.
When the cops drove
up," explains our flu-ridden friend, I was trying to break
down this Pigs door. And the whole time I was huffing and puffing
and sneezing and making a real scene.
As you might expect,
the cops found out about the other two deceased pigs (although an investigation
turned up nary a trace of either), and the story was exaggerated to absurd
lengths by the press. Al faced a laundry list of trumped-up charges, and
he was summarily convicted and packed-off to the big house, where he still
cant get a cup of sugar. (Life sucks, dont it?)
This is investigative
journalism at its finest, folks, and the kids of America deserve to know
the truth of this sad tale. Sure, its is a bitter pill to swallow,
but believe me, those savvy little extortionists can handle it.
P.S. Sales figures for
The True Story of the Three Little Pigs bear me out on this
point. It has sold over 500,000 copies.
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