"Seven Reasons Why Seven Condoms Are Used Every Second in the United States"

- first line of a magazine advertisement

by David Kirby

Because American women are so beautiful that the men can't wait to show their appreciation, therefore they need lots of condoms.

Because the women love the men so much that even the most socially prominent are willing to risk embarrassment by going boldly into the drugstores of America and asking for the condoms themselves.

Because American teenagers have finally come of age and are able to look the pharmacist in the eye and say, without their voices breaking, "May I have a packet of condoms, please?"

Because men who used to fill condoms with beer and throw them onto crowded dance floors have begun to use them as they were intended.

Because the distributors who go from gas station to gas station, keeping the machines filled with Ramses, Shieks, and Trojans in assorted colors and either natural jelly-type or desensitizing lubrication for prolonged satisfaction and a fuller love life are unceasing in their duty.

Because the East River wouldn't look right in the morning without lots of condoms floating in it.

Because seven is a holy number, and seven times seven is seven times holy, therefore every bedroom with condoms in it is a church, and surely the men and women who use them are going to heaven.

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