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Balderdash

Toward a Glabrous Solution by Mike Walsh

Folks, many adult Americans suffer from an over-looked, underrated, but extrememly harmful affliction: baldness, complete and indefatigable baldness. Not surprisingly, the hairless harbor deep-seated resentments against us fully-plumed folk, which, over the course of many years, manifests itself in insanity. Like a cue-ball, the bald can't point to one healthy strand on the outside or one rational thought on the inside. Let's face it: something is just plain wrong with people whose heads look like big, naked kneecaps.

I've been watching the hairless very closely, and the first thing I noticed is that they smell very bad. I can't quite explain the odor, but it's rather strong and smells like a very bad thing has happened. And not only that, but every time I see somebody down at the live-bait vending machine, I'll be damned if he isn't as bald as his mother's teat (or worse). What the hell are they doing with all that live bait?

Bald men even have a unique set of bathroom habits. At least half of all bald men urinate in a sitting position, and the other half wash their hands BEFORE confronting the porcelain. Now that I think of it, all normal, fully-haired people close their London Fog overcoats by tying the belt. The barren-skulled, however, take the end of the belt and actually put it through the belt buckle. And every person I've ever seen who refills the prophylactic dispersers at bars and gas stations happens to be bald as well. Sometimes it makes me think that these bald dudes have no self-respect.

Apparently, there is no love lost for the balding in America's corporations either. Every time I see the picture of some pink, moulty-skinned geek being retired from THE COMPANY, he's as bald as a baby's backside, and the dude replacing him has hair growing out of his nose, ears, and forehead. Ever notice that most corporate chairman have eyebrows that are connected?

Let's consider the entertainment industry. John Davidson has retained every strand, and now he's the host of Hollywood Squares. You don't get gigs like that in the entertainment biz if the cameramen need sunglasses to fight scalp-glare. And why do you think Michael Jackson sleeps inside that hyperbaric oxygen chamber? Frank Sinatra was so scared of balding that he went all the way to Switzerland for sheep-cell injections.The glabrous Paul Schaeffer can't even get a recording contract. Instead, he has to stoop to house-band backup to the thick-feathered David Letterman. And look at Elvis, he may be dead but he had some respectable turf, and now he's got a psychic connection going with Madonna.

Of course, we must consider the case of the much-maligned David Crosby. His baldness (and his insistence in its public display) finally caught up with him. That's why he carried a gun and took all those drugs. The pressures associated with his baldness finally wore down the poor devil.

What can be said to defend that pathetic, napless hack Phil Collins? No wonder he got snubbed at the Academy Awards. The last thing the organizers wanted was a frumpy, middle-aged, depilated geek jumping around in Addidas and baggy pants plagiarizing Motown riffs with loud drums on prime time. And speaking of prime time, when's the last time you saw Phil Silvers gracing the tube between 7:30 and 10?

Now let's consider the political arena briefly. The Gipper, who has an impressive crop, beat out leafless Gerald Ford for the Republican nomination in 1980, and then got himself elected twice in landslides. And Jimmy Carter beat the miserable, tonsured Ford in 1976 because Jimmy Carter had more hair on his head. Coincidentally, Nixon and his buddies Agnew and Mitchell had their asses canned just after their hairlines receded past tolerable limits. LBJ was bald, and he gave us that cute little escalating conflict in Southeast Asia. The dull Ike, with his scalp as lifeless as Siberia, left us with the Cold War. And I hope you're not naive enough to think that the egghead James Watt was canned over a policy conflict. Once the full-feathered hawks in the Gipper's inner sanctum started grumbling, Watt was history.

There is a scientific explanation for this problem. All scientists know that hair grows out of your brain, up through your skull, and out through your scalp. And what is in your brain? Your memory and your logical faculties, that's what. So if all your hair falls off your head, and your brain can't replace it, your brain must be fucked-up. This is irrefutable evidence supported by a scientific community. Bald people simply do not have the capability to think straight and should, therefore, never be put in a position of responsibility. Beside that, they should all be forced to submit to urine tests, just to see if there's anything funny going on in that regard.

Hell, the least these knuckleheads can do is cover their divestiture. I've seen ads for beautiful toupees for as low as $9.95. So what are these numbskulls waiting for? Okay, if they wear wigs, maybe we don't have to shoot them, but if any balding nerd doesn't buy a wig, then I say he's an imbecile, and a threat to society and should therefore be mitigated within a inch of his or her (this goes for girls too) life. Therefore, I propose that all skinheads be sent to government sponsored implant camps. It might even be easier for all concerned if mercy killings were carried out. However, I can't endorse the horrible mutilations and scalpings of bald folk that have been perpetrated by the more head-strong members of our movement. Our plan must be carried out in an organized, calm, and humane fashion, as befits our species.

Folks, the facts all point to one irrefutable conclusion: bald people are--if I may be allowed just one generalization--crazy motherfuckers. Therefore, we must head off this glaring menace before we too no longer have a comb to call our own.

Other pieces in Expresso Tilt by Mike Walsh.

See Karl Gregory Jones' bald page for links regarding baldness.