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"The New Simpsons" -- Homer, Joyce Carol Oates, and their children, Lisa, Bart, and Maggie -- could become America's favorite TV family, and the biggest prime-time cartoon hit, since "The Flintstones." Kitty Kocol |
Just a note to all you criminals out there. Please keep stealing things so people will think those Traveller's Checks are actually necessary.
Thank You, Karl Malden
Dear Expresso T, I've got a serious problem. Every time I try to write the word "you," it comes out "U." People thought it was cute at first, but I think they're starting to get a bit pissed off. At a concert the other night, I could hear fans calling me "Dweeb" and "Half Pint." That hurts. Do U you think this problem could be genetic, or is it just an extreme case of purple prose? Should I change colors? Please help me out on this one. Thank U you,
Miserable in Minneapolis
Whoa!! I'm going nuts. I'm right here in the living room, and right next door is the kitchen, and that's where Dinah is. But it isn't just that. There's someone in there with her, right in the kitchen!! I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but I gotta have more proof. Anyhow, this guy I think I know isn't just sittin' there talkin'. No, the bastard's strummin' on a banjo!! A fuckin' OLD banjo!! And that ain't the half of it. Besides the banjo, he's singing, 'Fe - Fi - Fiddlee I Oh, Fe - Fi - Fiddlee I Oh Oh Oh Oh." It's quiet at first, then louder and louder. I ain't shittin' ya. Over and over and over. I'm fuckin' losin' it big time. I swear, pretty soon I'm gonna have to burn that sucker out!!!
Anonymous
Let's clear this thing up once and for all. I wasn't the baby in Eraserhead, okay? Never was, never will be.
Sincerely, The Other E.T.
P.S. It's real hard to call home since they switched to that SPRINT system.
Dudes, Hope you can settle an argument. It's like this. I say
I'm Milli, and he says he's Milli, but I know he's Vanilli because
I'm the real Milli, and I was Milli first and never Vanilli, and
I will never be Vanilli, and he's just in a real serious Vanilli
denial space, man. Please get ahold of me soon on this because
we're about to duke it out backstage again.
Danke Schoen, Milli
EXPRESSO TILT:
- The best magazine to come around since SCREW.
- I rely on it as much, if not more than THE WALL STREET JOURNAL, ESQUIRE, and CONSUMER REPORTS in my day to day lifestyle decisions.
- The cornerstone in the architecture of post-modern behavior.
- An UTNE READER prototype and must see for anybody involved with the human condition.
Anonymous
Please return the money for my subscription. Things are a little
tight right now. Also, please reconsider printing excerpts from
my new book. I think you would find them fascinating, contrary
to what those media scumbags say. I'm certain a magazine as prestigious
as yours could afford my very reasonable reprint fees.
Thank you, The Donald
Look at these pleats. Look at our hip little glasses. Listen to our groovy, bland patter. Look at our stone-washed effect. Imagine our good-looking wives. We're better than you in every way imaginable.
The Guys in the Docker Ads
Will someone please explain to me how I got so pathetic so quick?
Sally Strothers
Loved
the last ish. I would read a little bit each day right after the Governor
went to work and just before I'd pass out. It took me four months to get through,
but I think it was really worth it. Keep up the good work.
Much love, Kitty D.
So I hear all this talk about Don Johnson being so great in the sack and having such a big dick, etc., etc., and so like a fool, I believe it all and wind up married to the guy, and it turns out his penis looks like the runt in a litter of newborn hamsters!!! Jesus!!! I'd like to expose this phony stud hombre, but I'm pretty darn busy taking off my clothes for no particular reason in movies. Could you help expose this pathetic eunuch to the world for me? I'd really appreciate it, guys, and I might even get naked for you sometime in the future.
Frustrated in Aspen, Melanie