Letters, Comics, and Classifieds from No. 7

So we all grew up with the Nelsons and Beaver and Howdy Doody and here we are now trying to be serious adults. Only it didn't exactly turn out the way they told us it would if we ate our Cheerios and said our prayers every night, which explains Expresso Tilt.

Linda M. Horvath, Montebello, Ca.

 

I once met Mr. Burnette G. Pletan, the fastest gun with a brush, in an airport. He was painting people as they passed by. He was so fast they never knew what hit them. He'd race up behind them, quickly do a full nature mural on the back of whatever clothes they were wearing, and then race off to the next person. No one paid any attention to him. He drank heavily. So did I.

Patrick McKinnon, Editor, Poetry Motel

 

User-friendly female programmer with pleasing configuration seeks compatible unit with hard disk drive, sufficient memory, and long joy stick for maximum interfacing. Must be good with parallel board. Those with floppy disks need not apply.

Sexually ambivalent, fashionable male looking for affectionate similar type in early 30s. Must be into hairstyling, interior design, haute couture, and nouvelle cuisine. Send urine sample and results of recent blood test.

 

I have spent a life of sucking, spitting, and sweating--then came Expresso Tilt! No longer will I have to descend into the subway for that urine jolt back to consciousness. I shall be forever grateful--or at least until ovulation. I will sing the songs of dead American women with joy and reverence as I await the next issue.

Peace, M. T. Albright

 

About the parking lot up at the mall, to me it's a shame that grown kids have no other way to spend their time except to get together, drink beer, or shoot horse, heroine or use some other drug. Don't say it's because there's nothing else to do. When there was, they didn't take advantage of it.

The movies had to close for lack of patronage. The skating rinks are very seldom filled except by the younger kids. It's the generation itself. Good kids always find something to do. They're on football teams. Baseball--there is that also. There's the YMCA and church organizations. Seventy years ago, the movies were packed. In the Second World War years, our town had two movies, jammed every night.

It is the fact that at age 16 you have to have a car, no matter how you get it. And a girl with no morals because even with sex education, that has taught them nothing except the pill.

Young people are never telling their parents anything because they do not converse with one another. If they did want to talk, would the parents have the time?

There are the ever-present bums who buy the kids six-packs and whatever. There are also those people who constantly complain of anything that young people do, who, they themselves never had any children of their own or somehow were lucky enough to have raised and faithfully married them off.

Maybe the fear of AIDS will help this and if not, God pity them.

Marjorie Orcutt, Oxford, Pa.

 

Sensitive, broad-minded "new man" wanting long-term relationship with independent professional woman who likes to stay at home. Must be interested in gourmet cooking, knitting, raising kids, ironing, and swabbing toilets. My chick must be an affectionate, sexy, nurturing little number. Please send fresh quiche sample and photo (full-length).

SWF, 35, almost attractive, financially secure professional tired of the 9 to 5 grind, seeks WM, 75 or over with net worth (liquid) of at least $1.75 mil and no close relatives or dependents. Object: matrimony. Good looks and health non-essential. If you are ambulatory and not into drugs, sex, or pre-nuptial agreements, give me a call quickly.

How are you? I am fine. I hope you don't mind this form letter. I've been so busy lately, there doesn't seem to be enough time to write individual letters to each and every one of my friends and admirers.

Things have been going pretty well recently, except for such things as have not been going well recently, if any. I still haven't kicked the food habit yet. One day after I've eaten, I'm hungry again! Oh well.

Are you still involved in that activity of yours? I've either changed my activity or decided to stay with the same sort of activity as the one in which I am presently involved.

I've been thinking about that thing we talked about, but I can't seem to remember what it was and/or why it was that we were talking about it. If you could forward a transcript of the conversation to me, I'd be grateful. I think it might have been important, interesting, or vital in some way.

Well, anyway, I seem to have found myself in a rather unusual set of circumstances. On the other hand, it could well be that the circumstances in which I've found myself are not unusual at all. I guess things sort of keep happening over time, if you know what I mean.

If you are one of the people from whom I've borrowed things, you can rest assured that they are in good hands. I haven't given any of it away to deadbeats or anything. I was very careful to make sure the people at the swap meet were upscale types before I sold them anything.

Anyway, take care, and write back soon!
Your friend, Tom James, Bizarre Press

 

Large-boned, gourmet-type interested in sharing gastronomic experiences with sturdy epicurean lady with a culinary flair. Must know squab from quail, a trifle from a truffle, and enjoy intimate contact atop butcher blocks after being slathered with clarified butter.