[Home][PenisPage][People][Featured][Stories][Funnies][Gipper][Early][No.5][No.6][No.7][No.8][No.9][No.10]

Letters, Comics, and Classifieds from No.8

dear expresso tilt, i enclose a submission which i call Up Yours! Piss Off! Fuck You! i don't enclose an SASE because if you don't want this i don't want to hear about it. sincerely, joyce carol mellancamp

by Rosalind Warren

Where are the patriots?

George Washington's birthday is February 22. If it were not for him, there wouldn't be a United States of America. Yet for many years we have not celebrated his natal holiday by closing banks and schools and even stores.

On February 16, Abraham Lincoln's birthday, schools were not closed either. Nor was it declared a national holiday, although when I was a girl, and for some time afterwards, the nation did think enough of these two men to remember them in this way.

by Lora Wise

Some idiot in Congress brought out the idea of taking a day in between the birthdays of these two men and calling it Presidents' Day. Not one person in Congress had the guts to make an objection to it. In this great patriotic United States, where are the patriots? Baah.

Now just lately we have a new holiday -- Martin Luther King Day. Hurray. Not that he didn't deserve it, he did. But how about a couple of remarkable and wonderful black men who preceded him? We don't celebrate Booker T. Washington's birthday and he was great. Also, let's give a little look to George Washington Carver. He literally saved the south, but cotton was through. Then he gave us the peanut. That alone should at least entitle him to an honorable mention on his birthday.

Tuskogee Institute was one of the greatest gifts ever given to the black race here in the United States. Let's celebrate all three of those great black men on one day.

If we group our outstanding white men together, let's do the same for these three blacks. Doesn't one of our great documents say 'All men created equal'? I believe it does. Who decides on these changes? Were you asked? I never was. Why not put it to a vote?

Marjorie Orcutt, Oxford, Pa.

For sale: used Roll Royce convert., immaculate, low mileage, only driven by a little old holy man while moving slowly amongst his followers as they covered his path with roses. (David A. Cook)

Flexible, understanding male who looks great in a 3-piece cut-off tuxedo seeks quiet, but gregarious, slim yet sturdy, youthful, mature, intense but lighthearted female who is as beautiful in a sweaty jogging suit as she is in a sweaty Dior gown. I am a "one-woman" man seeking a "one-man" woman. No heavy commitments. Must enjoy indoors and outdoors.

My husband requests an abundance of mail from your company. I would like to take this time to inform you what he does with it. First thing, he does not open it! He puts it all together with the rest of the advertisements and newspapers that he gets in the mail (about 35 to 40 pieces a day) and put a rubberband around it and stores them in a room under lock and key. Now that he has ran out of room he puts some in the attic, the garage, and I even saw some in the trunk of his car. He has no reason behind what he does. This mail dates back to 1980 or earlier.

I am pleading to you, my husband is not well. Please do not send us any more correspondence. Please take us off your mailing list even if you get a request from him under the following names: Bienvenida Enterprises, H. Bienvenida, B. Colena, C. Cardona, Reinvenida Ent. Co., B. Cardona, Roger Colena, Helen Colena, etc.

Also, he has a PO Box in Richmond Hill, NY. The purpose of sending different names is to get more than one advertisement from one company. This is why the total amount of mail per day is very high.

Thank you for your attention and cooperation.

Helen Colena

For rent or lease option: Human Male, 42 years old, non-smoker, channeled through only twice before by Thaa, 1200-year-old high priestess of the sun, and Kaahnack, 1700-year-old mystic warrior, recent medical examination, references provided on request. (David A. Cook)

MWM, a young 45, seeks outside fulfillment, but not trivial pursuit. If you enjoy a good espionage novel, possess a keen sense of irony, love Monopoly, Scrabble, backgammon, cribbage, and chess, send message to my po box. (No games-players please.)

 

Letter from a Hoosier:

Weather warm here.
A million urban planners throw up their arms;
there's always that feeling
the city is a step away
from complete decay.
Saw a man downtown today
who was lucky enough
to receive some oyster crackers from a trash can.
Could be riots this year.
How is everybody? Write soon.

Kyle Barnett, Chicago, Ill.

Vacuous, humorless blonde SWF seeks professional, philosophical type with good sense of humor and high income. Interested only in meaningful, quality interaction with sincere, ethereal man. Those under 6' 3" need not apply. Please send photo and vital statistics.

Need a good name for your band? Rush $49.95 to Expresso Tilt. Don't end up like Bon Jovi, The Knack, or Genesis. Satisfied customers include The Hotentots, Misfit Bikers From Hell, and Anne Putee and the Quadrapolegics. Discount specials for the Slimey Rats, Squirming Frosties, Tipped Ovaries, Rancid Leftovers, Knuckle Unders, and the Dirty Jokes. Each only $19.95. Two-fer-the-price-o'-one sale: the Coughing Quails and the Needle Dicks -- both for an incredible $9.95. Don't delay. Send your money now.