 Ask
Ms. Ardor
Dear Ms. Ardor,
Lately, my husband, to whom I have been married 25 blissful years,
has been talking in his sleep about a person named "Gert."
One night he literally screamed, "Gert! Gert! Where are you, Gert?"
and that happened not fifteen minutes after we had consummated a memorable
commingling. When I ask him about Gert, he claims that he doesn't know
anyone by that name. Have you ever?
Losing Sleep in Tuscaloosa
Dear Sleep, Drastic measures are necessary. First, from this moment
forward, refuse to make goochie-whoop with the lousy sonofabitch. (Cunnilingus,
of course, is permissible as long as the slimy namedropper assumes a
suitably humiliating position.) As soon as he falls asleep tonight,
passionately writhe on your bed and shout the following in a Spanish
accent: "Oh, Raoul, yes, thrust your throbbing Latin love muscle
deeper, Raoul, yes, deeper...." Continue until your husband wakes
you, then disavow all knowledge of Raoul. Repeat these performances
three nights running or until the name Gert never again violates the
sanctity of your bedroom walls.
Dear Ms. Ardor,
I am 15 years old. My boyfriend is 17. When we go out parking, he is
constantly trying to stick his you-know-what in my mouth. It looks horrible,
and I'm lucky to have escaped this long with my virginity in tact. He
says his ex-girlfriends used to do it, and that I would too if I loved
him. I do love him, but I know that if I stick that thing in my mouth
I'll probably throw-up all over his new interior, and he'll drop me
for some girl with a stronger stomach. Surely, you've been in a similar
situation.
Under Duress in Durango
Dear Duress, How else do you think Joan Rivers got her own talk show?
Dear Ms. Ardor,
I am 15 years old and I want to start dating chicks and take them out
in my Dad's car and get 'em all worked up and see if I can get any of
'em to go all the way, or at least part way. (Anything's better than
nothing, ha ha!) And speaking of which, I've got a date with this 9th
grader and she looks better than some of the 11th graders. I can hardly
wait. But I got this problem and it's getting worse, so I guess I better
come right out with it. I'm growing boobs, and they're getting bigger
every day. What's worse, they are the ugliest things I have ever seen,
like hairy brown golf balls. Sometimes I tape them down, but the tape
gives me skin rashes, and it hurts like hell when I pull it off. And
what if this 9th grader discovers them? I'll never get another date.
I thought they would go away, but they won't. I'm up shit's creek.
Boobs are Bad for Boys in Bayonne
Dear Bad Boobs,
- Find a girl with brown, hairy, golfball-like tits. She'll sympathize.
- Perhaps a bra would help. Playtex lifts and separates, Maiden Form
provides the bra-less, nipple look (not recommended in your case),
but good jogging bra would provide that special "hidden"
look.
- Stay out of lockerrooms.
Pop Your Top!
Or have her pop it for you!
Next time your woman asks for a smoke, just pull
out this sexy lighter and "Pop Your Coc." This lighter
is only 3" long, so hopefully she won't mistake it for the
real thing. But it looks enough like the real thing to stop any
woman right in her tracks. So be the life of the party. We guarantee
that you will have the hottest "Coc" there. |
Dear Ms. Ardor,
My Uncle Marty has a strange habit. Whenever he comes to our house,
he immediately picks up our toy poodle, Poochie, and begins tickling
the poor thing's penis until Poochie has an erection (very cruel, seeing
as how Poochie is nearly 12-years-old). Uncle Marty throws his head
back and roars with laughter, and Poochie doesn't seem to mind either.
In fact, frail Poochie literally leaps into my uncle's arms the moment
he crosses our threshold. Everyone in our family works very hard to
keep Poochie from having an erection, because when he does he inevitably
makes a gooey mess on the carpet. Because of these messes, my Father
has threatened to have Poochie fixed, but my Mom and I have lobbied
tirelessly to protect Poochie's privates from the veterinarian's scalpel.
Let me emphasize that Uncle Marty is a very normal man in every other
way.
Save Poochie's Penis!
Dear Poochie's Penis, Haven't you ever heard of poodle prophylactics?
And, by the way, since when do young ladies care so much about doggie
privates? See a psychologist. It's boy-penis that you should be lobbying
for!
Dear Ms. Ardor,
My husband and I have been married for 15 beautiful years when a young
married woman who works with my husband talked this fine Christian family
man into committing adultery. She is very plain and doesn't look the
type, but she kept after him, telling him what a poor lover her husband
was, so he felt sorry for her and that's how it happened. I am sure
my husband didn't lust after her; it was more like an act of charity.
Would you call this adultery?
Sinned Against
Dear Sinned Against, Since when is it adultery to have sex with someone
other than a goddamn idiot?
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