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It has been said by more than one learned scholar that all poetry, give or take a few stanzas per century, is about sex and death. Given that so many of our readers are avid poetry fans, I have undertaken the task of proving or disproving this hypothesis. Although my research is as of yet inconclusive, I have discovered several rather pure examples of this phenomenon, which I am prepared to explicate for your enlightenment. (The names of the authors have been withheld to protect them from their readers.)

Our first example illustrates the inherently complex sex and death concept with a remarkably economical use of language. It is also one of the most simplistic examples ever recorded.

Sex and Death Poem #1

Baby, if I can't have you

I'm gonna die

Note that the first line displays the author's desire for a sexual encounter, if not a full-fledged sexual relationship, possibly leading to matrimony. The tension culminates in the second line with the threat of violent death through suicide (a ploy found universally throughout contemporary poetry). In any case, it cannot be denied that the author is very much in touch with his feelings.

Our second example is slightly longer, three lines instead of two, and, therefore, it contains, as one might expect, exactly 33 1/3% more sex and death.

Sex and Death Poem #2

Oh baby baby baby

If I can't have sex with you

I'm gonna kill myself

But I'll take you with me

The author's sexual reference in the first line is a bit more explicit than the comparatively polite voice of the first example, but the major difference is the threat of an unpleasantness to be administered on the person of his desires.

Our next example, a short Shakespearean ditty, climaxes with a particularly illuminating insight into the nature of life itself.

Sex and Death Poem #3

Baby, you make me think about sex

Sex makes me think about poetry

Poetry makes me think about death

Alas, woe is me

Life . . . is a vicious circle

Sex and Death Poem #3 is so powerful that further discussion would serve only to weaken it. With that said, let us forge ever onward.

I think you'll all agree that our next example exhibits a rather uplifting, life-affirming, down-home flavor, that I, for one, find refreshing, especially in light of today's decidedly nihilistic cultural milieu.

Sex and Death Poem #4

We were supposed to get married

And have lots of little babies

But you changed your mind

And now my life isn't worth one thin dime

So I suppose I'll just crawl out behind the barn and die

Very sad, to say the very least. Very, very sad, indeed.

By combining a child-like rhythm with the drive-in horror movie motif, the author of our 5th example charmingly juxtaposes true love with violence, suffering, and mutilation.

Sex and Death Poem #5

Boy meets girl

Boy and girl make love

Girl drops boy for other boy

In a fit of jealous rage

Boy hacks girl's head off with meat cleaver

Rotting, pulsating, and oozing slime from every pore

Girl's body rises from grave to seek revenge

Our next example illustrates how values such as commitment, understanding, and forgiveness bring only pain in these morally corrupt, flag-burning times.

Sex and Death Poem #6

Boy meets girl

Boy gets girl

Boy loses girl

Boy buys assault rifle

Goes on shooting spree

Takes hostages

Holds the police at bay

Girl speaks to boy with bullhorn,

"Oh, darling," she says, "I love you so much.

Please give yourself up"

Being the gullible sap that he is,

boy falls for it

He comes out with his arms up

Police shoot boy in head with bullet

Our final sex and death poem can only be appreciated if it's shouted as loudly as possible to the accompaniment of a raging hardcore/speed-metal/thrash band. Hit it!

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Other pieces by Mike Walsh.