Writers, study the tips below, learn what NOT to do, and then put your new found knowledge to work. It won't be long before you'll be lavishing in the rewards that even the most meager mind can reap. Simply put, we guarantee publication or your money back.

And why, you ask, should you follow these tips? Money! Why else? Big, wonderful money. Great gobs of it. Writers make money--and plenty of it too--writing greeting cards, instructions, phone books, maps, cartoons, menus, gags, and advertising materials all without leaving the comforts of home! So don't be left out. You can do it too.

Look at me! I flunked freshman comp, yet this year alone I may make as much as $7,500,060.98! Believe it or not, I do most of my writing on week nights while watching TV. The rest of the time I sit around counting money with my two accountants. Why there's a big pile of money sitting right here beside me.

So if you aspire to a successful writing career, don't, under any circumstances, ever...

• Write sentences longer than ten words.
  
• Hold a position in a college English department.
  
• Subscribe to writing magazines.
  
• Give readings.
  
• Read books on writing.
  
• Join writer's groups.
  
• Use a dictionary or thesaurus.
  
• Worry about characterization. Action is where the money is.
  
• Use imagery, symbolism, ellipses, semicolons, or any other fancy malarkey. Use periods and use them with conviction. (Commas are acceptable but only if used with restraint.)
  
• Read. Reading is for squares, so why waste time reading when you can be earning $$$!!!
  
• Write poetry or anything romantic.
  
• Use mechanical pencils or Cross pens. Use #2 pencils and #2 pencils only.
  
• Suffer, beg, commit suicide, or collaborate.
  
• Use an outline.
  
• Rent studio space. The less space the better.
  
• Move to Paris. Stick it out where you were born.
  
• Go to writer's workshops, retreats, colonies, or conferences.
  
• Refer to yourself as a 'free lancer.'
  
• Publish in a literary magazine. It could be the end of your career.
  
• Write anything without a moral.
  
• Enter writing contests. And don't accept any awards either.
  
• Write for a hobby. Get your head screwed on straight. You're writing for money, fame, and sexual gratification.
  
• Write fantasy. Do your dreaming at night. Fantasy is for pockmarked cowards.
  
• Drink anything but coffee and beer (in that order).
  
• Get up before lunch. (Then have a coffee and a beer.)
  
• Revise. Write it 'real' the first time.

By the way, I'm writing this sitting cross-legged on a luxurious carpet in my penthouse, which just so happens to have a marvelous skyline view. So don't delay. All this and more can be yours. Stop doing all those things that are ruining your career. Then sit back and watch the money roll in.

You're gonna make a killing. Guaranteed!

Other pieces by Mike Walsh.

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