Bad News in Babylon

by Mike Walsh

Talking to yourself a lot?
Experiencing a vague, nagging sense of dissatisfaction?
Using your credit cards a bit too frequently?
Moods swinging like a pendulum?
Hearing voices in your head?
Never have enough money?
Do you hoard things that you'll never use?
Reexamining your career goals every other day?
Engaging in an increasing number of violent and morbid sexual fantasies lately?
Are you imprisoned in senseless rituals that siphon off energy that could otherwise contribute to your socioeconomic functioning or personal development?

If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, you've got AIDS. But don't let it get you down, because you are not alone.

This late breaking news just in:
Pee Wee found innocent! Not a carrier!!!
Dentists refuse to treat AIDS victims!!!
Right to life group calls for quarantine camps
CIA secretly extracts urine samples from backyard sewers!!!
Chemical AIDS weaponry developed by Pentagon
Miami police department issues body condoms to all patrolmen
AIDS epidemic linked to the LA freeways wars!!!
Extra! Extra! Free forehead tattoo if you test positive!!

AIDS is everywhere
In the newspapers
It blows into our houses
Through our stereo speakers
There's AIDS in the traffic jams
In the ghettos
The financial districts
Uptown, downtown
It swims, it flies
It hikes the mountains
AIDS rains down on us from the sky
We track it through our houses
It incubates in our refrigerators
It invades our dreams

Elvis is AIDS
and AIDS is king

Ladies and Gentlemen
It's a condition
It's a metaphor
It's an AIDS nation

I've got AIDS
You've Got AIDS
We've all got AIDS
And AIDS is forever
Which makes for some very, very bad news here in Babylon

When you mess with the Son of the Lord,
you can bet there will be hell to pay.

Feel tired all the time? Always in a hurry?
Does everything take twice as long and cost twice as much as it should?
Do you sometimes say the wrong thing only to regret it later?

New Jersey woman claims that space aliens infected her with the deadly virus!!!
AIDS epidemic breaks out in Philadelphia judicial system!!!
Group home for AIDS toddlers is picketed by right to life group!!!

Do you often forget where you just put something?
Get mad or depressed for no apparent reason?
Fly off the handle a little too often?

Latest dinosaur theory: AIDS got 'em!!!
New England Journal of Medicine links AIDS to Big Macs, frosted hair, birkenstocks, and the Grateful Dead!!!
Dolphins are the latest victims of the savage virus!!!

Do you often stay up all night?
Having trouble holding your end of a conversation?
Do you sometimes feel a bit spaced out?

PWA (Person with AIDS) holds policeman hostage with spittle!!!
Ivan Boesky goes on AIDS lecture circuit!!!
AIDS vials jump out of the ocean and stab children of upper middle class white families on the New Jersey beaches!!!

Do you sometimes drive fast as hell with the stereo turned all the way up?
Do you suffer from headaches, backaches, or general fatigue?
Does your daily existence require a heroic effort just to achieve the most basic level of functioning?

South African water supply laced with AIDS antibodies!!!
AIDS discovered in Ted Koppel's hair!!!
The pentagon refuses to confirm rumors of underground nuclear AIDS testing!!!

Does your mind rage in turmoil?
Can't finish anything you start?
Do you sometimes look in the mirror and realize that you too are dressed for success?

If you can answer yes to any of these questions, please extend a warm, wholesome, heartfelt round of applause for yourself, because you just tested positive.

And now the big story on action news: PWAs bear the guilt of the world!!!

So relax
Have a good time
Put your feet up
Cry, laugh, sing, turn cartwheels
Don't hold back
Yell at somebody
It doesn't matter
You've got AIDS

Ladies and Gentlemen
We need AIDS
We love AIDS
We are AIDS

It's a condition
It's a metaphor
It's an AIDS nation
Which makes for some very, very bad news here in Babylon

Folks, this isn't Kansas anymore
There's a killer deep inside each and every one of us
We are all guilty
We are all savages
We are all Patient Zero
And there is no redemption
No one gets out of here alive

God is in heaven, good people,
but there will be no joy in Babylon tonight

I'm sorry
I'm real fuckin' sorry
So this is goodbye
Thank you very much

Other pieces by Mike Walsh.

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