Welcome to

The Expresso Tilt Penis Page

This page documents the penis controversy that raged in the pages of Expresso Tilt for several issues. It includes the actual stories, letters, and editorial comments, so you can judge for yourself just what the hell was going on.

During its ten issue lifetime, Expresso Tilt received an unusually high number of penis-related submissions. Actually, "penis-related" may not be the correct term. Perhaps "penis-obsessed" is more accurate. In any case, these were stories, poems, and comics in which the penis played a central role. Even though we published only the best of the penis submissions, many cynical readers took note, and Expresso Tilt garnered a reputation of being a little strange, penis-wise.

Over time the number of penis submissions grew, and there wasn't much we could do about it. Our policy was to publish the best work we could find, penis-obsessed or not. We even ran a call for vagina-related stories. We challendged writers to apply their talents and creativity to the vagina.

Unfortunately, we received but one vagina submission, and it wasn't what anyone would call a masterpiece (although the authors vigorously dispute that). It seems that writers simply aren't inspired by the vagina. Or perhaps they are ashamed to publish their vagina-related creations.

We're sure that this reveals a great deal about the differences between the sexes, although at this time it is not clear to us exactly what that is.

Penis Files

Punctuation for People with Big Cocks by Joe Queenan. A must read classic! Unusual Tattoos by Joe Queenan
Poochie's Penis discussed by Ms. Ardor Dance of the Phallus by Lora Wise
Vagina Limericks Porno Poem by David Lunde
Growing by Richard Krawiec Call for Vagina Manuscripts
And don't miss Ms. Ardor #4 and Big Breasts!  

Penis (and Vagina) Books

Since you're reading the penis page, you most certainly need a few penis books. (Plus, we threw in a couple vagina books as well.) Use these links to order them from Amazon.com:

Penis Enlargement Facts and Fallacies: All Men Are Not Created Equal
by Gary Griffin, Gary Rheinschild

The Book of the Penis by Maggie Paley

101 Uses for a Severed Penis
by Dan Murphy

The Penis Book: An Owner's Manual
by Margaret Gore

Facts and Phalluses: A Collection of Bizarre and Intriguing Truths, Legends, and Measurements
by Alexandra Parsons, Jennifer Black (Illustrator)

Dick for a Day: What Would You Do If You Had One?
by Fiona Giles (Editor)

Foreskin: A Closer Look
by Bud Berkeley

Penis Enhancement Surgery: A Self Help Guide for Men
by Faiz Ansari

The Female Member: Facts, Figures, Foibles and Anecdotes About the Loving Organ
by Kit Schwartz

Cunt Coloring Book by Tee Corinne (Illustrator)

"Dance of the Phallus" by Lora Wise

Porno Poem

                         O N
                        P R O
                         P O
                      his throb
                     widely part
                    then nibbling
                   er cruel featur
                  leather, harsh an
                   could her shrie
                   mentors grasped
                   s, sharp, harde
                   hands and feet,
                   he wetness flow
                   attered fleshin
                   n't help it, co
                   ver and over ti
                   one there to he
                   ended and her f
                   igid frame stre
                   ell back on the
                   hot and bleedin
                   limbs outspread
                   again. He helpe
                   ttocks undulati
                   silks or nylons
                   ings set in the
                   ords holding he
                   stone walls dri
                   lging beneath h
                   h, please, no!!
                   tal whip slashe
                   ody fell back o
               cored with red lines of
           coruscations of pleasure and he
        that better?" And her delicate tongue
       how it was. The obscene figure leered gr
     ty boom thrusting out like a pikestaff rammed
     eat of passion, more and more, she could neve
     enetrated to her very core, her body was on f
     ke this before.  How could she ever go back t
     hamed but knew that she needed this much more
     trol herself in the face of such pleasure was
      door opened, and she felt a twinge of terro
       aughed knowingly and  ook down the braide
        inging softness qu    ing beneath his g
          lowing pink bo        oking it with
             for her i            last time

-- David Lunde

Call for (Vagina) Manuscripts

We at Expresso Tilt have been accused, more than once, of publishing too many so-called "penis stories." In fact, some readers refer to it, disparagingly, as our "sick-o obsession." While it is true that a number of penis-related stories have appeared in previous issues (i.e. stories featuring the male organ of copulation or urination as the protagonist), we resent these accusations and categorically deny the existence of any such obsession. However, we understand that all things good and natural should strive toward harmony and balance. Therefore, in deference to our offended readers, we hearby announce our intention to publish as many "vagina related" stories as possible in future issues (i.e. stories featuring or glorifying the passage leading from the external genital orifice to the uterus in female mammals). If we receive enough worthy vagina stories, we may even devote an entire issue to nothing but vaginas. So listen up, writers. Got a crate full of 1st person vagina narratives that you're too embarrassed to submit elsewhere? Have a real keen "vagina idea" that you've never written because you knew the chances of publication were slim? Then take heart! Here's your big chance to make a name for yourself and some big bucks. Submit immediately to Vagina Stories, c/o Expresso Tilt (and don't forget the $10 cash only reading fee).

Vagina Limericks

Dear Expresso Tilt: We were so excited to read your call for manuscripts concerning the, you know, girl-down-there-part, that we are submitting several limericks on the subject. We hope you like them. We do. -- Sincerely, Twats on Tour

Said Gueneivere to her Lancelot
Stop being such a noble young snot
I demand that you kneel
To my wound that won't heal
So a fine cunnilingus she got.

After Mass we heard multiple squeals
From a most distraught Jennifer Beals
She said at confession
I admit my obsession
Help yourself to a furburger meal.

A man with a penchant for poontang
Who himself had a really big wang
Had his tongue in a twirl
And went down on a girl
And made her come with a bang.

After viewing "Dawn of the Dead"
Herb found himself wanting good head
Desiring some beaver
He set out with a fever
But settled on sushi instead.

A couple other vagina limericks sent in by Penis Page fans:

There once was a girl named Jill
Who took the atomic pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And part of her clit in Brazil.

-- Read on a bathroom wall by Patricia Williams

There once was a whore from Azores
Whose vagina was covered with sores
No-one would eat that rotting brown meat
Which hung in festoons from her drawers

-- from Ned Sneed of Vashon, Washington

I once knew a girl named Alice
Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus
They found her vagina
In South Carolina
And parts of her asshole is Dallas.

-- Anonymous

Dirty Limerick Books

You can purchase these books of dirty limericks from Amazon.com.

Nothing Risque, Nothing Gained: Ribald Riddles, Lascivious Limericks ... and Other Good, Clean Dirty Fun

Limericks : Too Gross/or Two Dozen Dirty Dozen Stanzas by Isaac Asimov and John Ciardi

The Penguin Book of Limericks

Limericks for Lechers: Lascivious Lyrics, Rambling Ruminations & Titillating Trivia

Improper Limericks

More Improper Limericks: Thirty Dirty...

Still More Improper Limericks: Writings...

The Penis Letters

Dear Editor: The one thing I've noticed about Expresso Tilt is that, one way or another, penises find their way onto the pages of every issue. You even had a story about a man whose vegetable garden grows only penises. What is it with you people and penises? What do your parents think? Haven't you inflicted enough shame on them already? Perhaps you should do an 'all penis' issue. Or maybe your magazine should specialize in penises. Then you could call it Expressly Dicks, "the magazine for and about peckerheads!" Aren't there enough dicks in the world already?

Just Trying to Help

Please, more penis articles.

Yours, Joan Ingle, NYC

I enjoy your penis-oriented magazine very much--it's the next best thing to being there. I have this really great vagina story I was going to send you. The problem is that it is about Joyce Carol Oates's vagina, and I understand that you're not interested in that particular cunt. Guess I'll have to send it to The New Yorker.

Sincerely, Ariel Tramway

Pop Your Top!

Or have her pop it for you!

Next time your woman asks for a smoke, just pull out this sexy lighter and "Pop Your Coc." This lighter is only 3" long, so hopefully she won't mistake it for the real thing. But it looks enough like the real thing to stop any woman right in her tracks. So be the life of the party. We guarantee that you will have the hottest "Coc" there.

Other Expresso Tilt pages:
[TiltHome] [GipperIssue] [EarlyMadness] [No.5] [No.6] [No.7] [No.8] [No.9] [No.10] [FeaturedWriters] [PeoplePage] [StoryCollection] [ExpressoPoems] [Funnies] [missionCREEP]

All copyrights remain with the authors and artists.

Visit these other missionCREEP sites

Bonnie Lasses, Tina Newberry's paintings: topless women, golf, and the Civil War

Slackjaw Online, Columns by Jim Knipfel

Art on a Stick, Drawings and comics by B. Amundson

Mouth Wash, Stories, humor, and articles by Mike Walsh

Parables in Glass, Disturbing stained glass artwork by Judith Schaechter

Incredible wood carvings by Susan Hagen

Creative Non-Fiction, Autobiographical paintings by Sarah McEneaney

Strangely beautiful paintings by Mitch Gillette