Letters, Comics, and Classifieds from No.9

i bet i'm not the first to think of it, but do you think we could get the ayatollah or one of his successors to do something about joyce carol oates? you've probably already decided to give a life subscription to anyone who'll off the woman, right? the least you could do is declare that he who dies trying is a martyr who gets to go straight to heaven. actually i'd like to do book reviews--a regular column where i get to condemn to death anybody whose novel i don't like. i find the concept of the ayatollah as literary critic very appealing.

sincerely, rosalind warren, esq. a.k.a. walter gropius

I wish you would just git and leave my daughter alone.

Mister Oates


I'm starting a private army. Preliminary plans include occupying a suburb of Houston and managing several local supermarkets. Long term plans include parent-teacher organization infiltration and student council overthrow. Dress and grooming requirements. Room for advancement. Tattoos at cost. All inquiries confidential. Send resume and weapons checklist to Sgt. Barry Sandler, Box 88, Pasadena, TX.


Open-minded, receptive female in search of single (never-married) white Aries between the ages of 29.75 and 31.6 years old. Must be 6' 1", 172.5 lbs, ash blonde, blue-green eyes with 20/20 vision (no contacts, please). Must enjoy Arctic exploration, collecting stamps from Sierra Leone and Irkutsk, early Paleolithic statuary, the 2nd half of Tchaikovsky's Adagio lamentoso, and walking in the rain. No offers refused.


E.T. is the registered trademark of Entertainment Tonight, and that's my show, mine do you hear? I'm the anchor and the prettiest and I basically made that show from scratch on just my looks and personality and nobody, nobody is going to take that away from me, least of all a little mag-rag from a 3rd rate town with too much trash. My lawyer will be in touch. Have a nice day.

Mary Hart, Hollywood, CA


I'm not the guy you were looking for, okay? If you think I'm that stupid, to get involved in, you know, that kind of activity, well, there's more tilt to your expresso than you think. But I'll tell you what. You give me a year's, no two year's subscription, and I'll tell you where he lives and the best way to go about getting him. That way everything will be jake between us again, and we can get back to our daily activities. Okay? Deal?

Name Withheld by Request


You know that girl that helps you with the paste-up on weekends? With the pigtails and braces and Catholic schoolgirl uniform and I.D. bracelet? Could you tell her I'm up in Room 34. Thanks a lot. I owe you one,

Rob Lowe

Thou Shalt Not Be Broke by Karl Richeson

Are all writers bastards? I was dating this guy who says he's a writer, and he turned out to be a bonafide 100% satisfaction guaranteed rectum-toting asshole of a man. I mean, he claims to be doing a character study of me, and says to truly understand my character and essence he needs to be with me naked--a lot. So I get pregnant and get the crabs to boot, and he tells me not to get an abortion because carrying the child to term resonates with depth and is a better story. Then he refuses to spend any time with me or provide any emotional support because it's better drama and makes for a more nuanced character if he doesn't. He borrowed my car and smashed it up, and now he's sleeping with my best friend to provide a tangential narrative, or, in his words, a "subplot." Am I stupid or is this literature important enough that I should go through all this? Also, are your writers this way? If so, I think I want to cancel my subscription right now.


Hola, senoritas bonita. Let's start a nude chainletter. What do you say? I'd love to massage a photo of your completely nude luscious body with my romantic Latin eyes, especially if you're an attractive woman, and almost all women are attractice as far as I'm concerned. So what are you waiting for, muchacha? Don't deny your feelings any longer.

Write a letter explaining the chainletter and make a list of 10 names and addresses. Put my name and address in the first 10 places. Send a photo of your naked sensual body to the first person on the list (in this case, that's me -- woo!!), then send copies of the list and the letter to 10 of your best-looking female friends. If the chain of lovely womanly nakedness is unbroken, I'll receive hundreds, if not thousands, of photos of beautiful nude women. Doesn't that sound like a dream come true? I can hardly wait. Ay carumba!!

Julio "Raoul" Inglesias

Christian smoker but non-Christian drinker seeks non-Christian non-smoker but Christian social drinker for evenings of roaring before a quiet fire. Must enjoy loud conversation, raucous laughter, and the horseplay of uncontrollable, wailing children.

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