The Perfect Party Protocol For the Mixed-Up Novice Mix Master

A Guide to Monitoring Behavior and Limiting Stimuli for the Fun and Safety of All Guests in the High-Pressure Position of Social Functionary

by Mike Walsh, Kev Monko, and Bill Amundson

Photos: Mike Walsh, Geek: Kev Monko

Getting Started

First, you must understand that guests are extremely unpredictable creatures. Therefore, keep them under constant surveillance.

Second, if invited guests are dangerous, uninvited guests are doubly so. Immediately call the police the moment the first UNINVITED guest arrives.

Frisk all guests on the porch for such undesirable items as personalized belts, joke books, and Phil Collins tapes.

Once the Party is Underway

Seize the guests' respect by letting them know who's boss. Before chaos gains a foothold, firmly explain the rules and regulations of the party.

Allow no outward expressions of affection. BEDROOMS ARE OFF LIMITS!!!

Male guests shalt not covet thy neighbor's lawn. Keep the environment pure for modest, hygienic guests.

Establish time limits on bathroom activities based on conventional standards for the completion of necessary bodily functions and maintenance of personal hygiene. If a guest violates this limit, rap authoritatively upon the door, demand that the guest immediately desist all activities, and lustily demand a satisfactory explanation.

Enforce Strict Rules for Dancing

Certain unruly factions at your party will undoubtedly seize upon any opportunity to undermine your power base. A common strategy is the organization of group dances. This is nothing more than treachery disguised as fun. Particularly dangerous forms of dance include the Alley Cat, the Hokey Pokey, and any dance that begins with the outcry, "Okay, everybody, cut loose!"

Any form of line dancing that encourages freewheeling self-expression must be forcefully discouraged.

The reckless abomination known as the Limbo can quickly disrupt any semblance of order you have worked the entire party to establish.

Ban the Bunny Hop. It's no more than one long, twisting, grinding, humping, jumping, gyrating sexual innuendo!

You Must Be Ever Vigilant to Control Alcohol Consumption

Buy inexpensive booze and pour it into empty bottles of expensive liquors.

Deny access to alcohol a minimum of two hours prior to the anticipated end of the party.

The forced ingestion of alcohol is a blatant violation of a socialite's most basic liberty. Drinking is the one area in which freedom of choice must be maintained.

Enforce preassigned dry-out periods when guests are denied alcohol.

Don't be afraid to ask for identification. Remember, serving alcohol to minors is illegal.

Serve pure vanilla extract as a Liqueur. Stand back and watch the FUN!

Do not urge that guests' glasses be constantly full, and do not allow any guests to drink directly from the bottle.

More Helpful Tips for the Security Conscious Party Host

Establish a designated smoking area.

Wrap all non-party affiliated personal belongings in protective cellophane.

Keep the toilet seat down, but put up a sign requesting that male guests raise the toilet seat before relieving themselves. Also, provide plenty of disposable toilet seat covers.

Under no circumstances allow any guests to remove their shoes and slide on the linoleum floors.

Ban all Twister boards from the premises.

Don't ever let guests give turntable rides to your pet hamsters.

Forcefully eject guests who use the terms "Pardy Hardy," "Boogie On Down," or "Go Fot It!"

Entertaining Your Guests

Don't forget to break out those photo albums! It will seem like the party has been going on for hours at 7 p.m.

Play recordings of Richard Harris reading Kahil Gibran. Dance during, "On Teaching and Self-Knowledge."

During quiet moments, say "I always thought Nixon got a bum rap" loudly and often.

Play "My Dinner With Andre" on the VCR and insist that all guests watch. Afterwards, organize discussion groups.

During slow party periods, inflate condoms and tie them into:

  1. Animal forms (Try rare marsupials!)
  2. Abstract forms representing abstruse philosophical notions or visual manifestations of mood swings.

Indoor putting contests can break the conversational ice!

Play home game versions of TV game shows. Watch the smiles break out!

Other pieces by B. Amundson and Mike Walsh.

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