by Mike Walsh
Folks, I'll let you in on a little secret: You don't need "Yes." You don't need "No." Just say "Yo."
Yo, it's the big sigh that rumbled through a nation, leaving citizens sighing in its wake. Yo is everywhere. I hear it in the classrooms, the boardrooms, and on the roadways of America. It's slowly capturing the imagination of a society.
At first it sounds so vague, so ambiguous, so uncommitted, but just try it. Just say it, just once, just say "Yo." Isn't it wonderful to be able to say everything without really saying anything at all? Imagine how easy life would be if one syllable could provide the answer to so many questions.
"Yo," it's the slogan that says: Yo, I agree, I'll buy in, I'm included, I'm cooperating, I gave at the office, I'm on lunch break, I'm accommodating, I'm new here. Yo, it's not my area
Soon it will feel and sound so ... perfect, so "Yo." Your reservations will pass as "Yo" takes on more and more meaning in your life. You'll find yourself not just saying it, but thinking it and dreaming it.
You need "Yo," good people, so do yourself a favor. Open you heart. Then open your mouth, and just say "Yo." It's the only syllable you'll ever really need. It's the syllable that says it all.
Yo, I pursue quality time. Better safe than sorry. It's in my best interests. Pets help me feel less lonely. I take vacations on weekends. Yo, hobbies help me pass the time.
Say "Yo" for Kurt Waldhiem, and "Yo" for Evan Mecham. Here's three "Yo's" for the folks at Howard Beach, and another for Judge Bork, and "Yo" is for those wacky Contras. Don't forget to say "Yo" when the IRS sends you a little note scheduling the audit!
To Jessica Hahn, "Yo," and to Jimmy Bakker, Tammy Faye, and Jimmy Swaggart too. "Yo" to Rob Lowe for making those cute videos. For underground nuclear testing, California Highway Shootouts, Anita Bryant, Carlos Casteneda, David Crosby, conditioned response, mutual assured destruction.
Vietnam Vet Memorial contains names of vets who lived! Yo, mama! The world is one big yo-yo! All you need is "Yo." Join the "Yo" generation. Just say "yo," all the time.
Yo, I appreciate the fringe benefits. I listen to the news with great concern. Yo, I think it's important to take an occasional personal day. I worry about the poor quite often. Yo, I make an effort to manage my time efficiently. I'm trying to avoid the appearance of impropriety. Yo, the slogan that says all this and much, much more can be yours for no money down!
Birkenstocks? Big macs? Frosted hair? Ted Koppel's hair! Yo, $300 buys you your very own Philadelphia judge! Big money, big money, big money! Family fued ends in a hail of bullets! Kill the landlord! Space based nuclear defense systems! Yo, it wasn't rape until her husband walked in.
Do you want to stop smoking? Do you want to lose those love handles? Do you want to finally take control of your life? Then just say yo. After just a few short minutes, you'll be looking fine, smoking less, and feeling damn good about yourself.
Yo, publish or perish. Do not exceed prescribed dosage. Don't leave home without it. Your actual mileage may differ. Yo, I'm an old dog, and I ain't learning any new tricks. Just say "Yo." It's the all-purpose phrase, sure to accommodate any situation.
Why does love make the world go round? Why is the sky blue? Who killed Trotsky? Who stole the Mona Lisa's eyebrows? How much is that doggy in the window? Yo, why do fools fall in love?
Yo, give me some chilean grapes. Give me an AK-47. Gimme some Robuttussin. I need some state-of-the-art stress reduction analysis. I need a honeybaked canned ham. Attach my wages. Confiscate my car. Bug my phone. Tamper with my Tylenol. Bring on the police state. Yo, baby, I can't wait.
Yo, computer viruses, channelling, scientology, time shares. Yo, Americans watch an average of seven hours of tv per day? Yo, I've been to the desert on a horse with no name, and I ain't going anywhere near that damn horse. And it's another record body count on the city streets.
Yo, situational ethics, peace through strength, zero tolerance, maximum acceptable levels, naked aggression. Yo, Timothy Leary's dead, but Allen Ginsberg just won't die.
Am I part of the problem or part of the solution? Be afraid, be very afraid. Yo, I want to be sedated. It was never conclusively demonstrated. I read the news today -- yo, boy. What the world needs now, is yo, sweet yo. Free your mind and your yo-yo will follow.
Yo, I hear your sighs America, and I sigh along with you. And so I just say to thee, "Yo," my dear friend, "Yo, Yo, Yo," a million times, "Yo." That is all I have to say. "Yo"...
Other pieces by Mike Walsh.
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