Leftist Sign-Language Menace Cited

by Joe Queenan

Fundamentalist religious leaders charge that secular humanist sign-language experts are deliberately mistranslating speeches they are paid to interpret on television, deleting all references to God, family, country, capital punishment, and abortion, and substituting Marxist-Leninist propaganda in their place.

Fargo Wakefield, executive vice co-chairperson of Hearing-Impaired Christians for a Somewhat More Family-Oriented America, says that the activities of the sign-language interpreters are a "calculated attempt" to subvert the nation's most vulnerable minority -- the young deaf -- by falsely portraying leading evangelists and political figures as leftists. Wakefield, author of The Leftist Sign-Language Child-Subverters Among Us, says that other handicapped groups are being targeted as well.

"We now have documented proof that a hard core of Marxist-Leninist, secular, humanist, hearing-impaired, Sandanista-ish idealogues are seeking to polarize the nation by surreptitiously politicizing the deaf, dumb, and/or blind minority," he says. "If you've felt a braille book recently, you know what I'm talking about."

Gracchus Ziegler, chairman of the Neo-Conservative Braille Caucus and author of See, Hear, and Smell No Evil, agrees that the assault on the blind is only the first phase of a full-scale attack on the politically impressionable handicapped youth of America.

"Ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the people writing braille in this country today are leftists who openly proclaim their revulsion for the American way of life," he says. "You can look it up."

Ziegler, who successfully lobbied for passage of the Equal Skywriting Opportunity Bill of 1967, says that throughout history, the failure of men of good will to combat the surreptitious radicalization of their less visible communications media has contributed to the collapse of their societies.

"Not until it was too late did the Czar realize that his battlefield orders were being mistranslated by Menshevik semaphore translators," says Ziegler. "Even on our own continent, the politically anachronistic Stalinization of the Pawnee, Ute, Shoshone, and Turtle smoke-signalling networks led directly to the virtual annihilation of those races. If we are to be spared a similar fate, it is time we got our buttocks in gear."

"First, they get the deaf in their corner, then they get the blind," chimes in Wakefield. "If they ever get their hands on the dumb, you can kiss this society good-bye."

See these other stories by Joe Queenan:

Unusual Tattoos

Punctuation for People with Big Cocks


You can purchase these hilarious books by Joe Queenan from Amazon.com:

Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon: Joe Queenan's America

My Goodness: A Cynic's Shortlived Search for Sainthood

Confessions of a Cineplex Heckler: Celluloid Tirades and Escapades

If You're Talking to Me, Your Career Must Be in Trouble: Movies, Mayhem, and Malice

The Unkindest Cut: How a Hatchet-Man Critic Made His Own $7,000 Movie and Put It All on His Credit Card

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