Punctuation for People with Big Cocks

by Joe Queenan

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Apostrophe '
Used to denote other men's cocks, which are dwarfed in stature by your own. Example: "That's Larry's cock. Notice how small it is?"

Brackets [ ]
Sets off editorial interpolations of material related to the length and girth of your mighty shaft. Example: "I am really proud of my cock" [with good reason, the editors might add, because it is one incredible item].

Colon :
Introduces a clause, phrase, or word attempting -- however inadequately -- to do justice to your cock. Example: "That's what my cock is: big as Texas."

Comma ,
Sets off a string of adjectives paying homage to your cock. Example: "My cock is robust, mammoth, the stuff of which legends are made, and very, very popular around here."

Ellipsis ...
Indicates the omission of one or more words describing the wonders of your magnificent cock. Example: My cock is huge, fantastic, monstrous, extraordinary ... gargantuan, incredible ... etcetera...

Exclamation Point !
Terminates an emphatic expression of esteem for your cock. Example: "What a fucking cock!!!"

Parentheses ( )
Used to enclose supplementary material elucidating the finer points about your cock. Example: "My cock is amazing (not to mention huge)."

Period .
Terminates an unqualified expression of contentment with your cock. Example: "I love my cock."

Quotation Marks "
Encloses admirers' comments about your outrageously ample cock. Example: Melanie said, "Can you believe the size of Bob's cock? I mean, he ought to register it with the police department or the Guinness Book of World's Records."

Semicolon ;
Links two or more independent clauses containing related material about the size of your cock. Example: "My cock is unbelievable; my cock is staggering; my cock is a living legend; my cock is great."

Virgule /
Sets off multiple choice answers as they might appear in a College Boards Admissions Test assessing high school seniors on the basis of how much they know about the Cock of the Century. Example: "Bob's cock is fantastic/unreal/a hot shaft of pure meat/the ultimate."

See these other stories by Joe Queenan:

Leftist Sign-Language Menace Cited

Unusual Tattoos

You can purchase these hilarious books by Joe Queenan from Amazon.com:

Red Lobster, White Trash, and the Blue Lagoon: Joe Queenan's America

My Goodness: A Cynic's Shortlived Search for Sainthood

Confessions of a Cineplex Heckler: Celluloid Tirades and Escapades

If You're Talking to Me, Your Career Must Be in Trouble: Movies, Mayhem, and Malice

The Unkindest Cut: How a Hatchet-Man Critic Made His Own $7,000 Movie and Put It All on His Credit Card

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